A Comforting Practice for the Holidays

Whether you love the holiday season or would rather leave it, many aspects of this time of year can cause unease, stress and worry. For some of us, our to-do lists have gotten longer, as have the line ups at the grocery store, gas stations and at most public events. Add to this more spending, indulging and the gloomier weather and we might find ourselves feeling irritated, fatigued and underappreciated.

I’m not interested in resisting or dismissing negative emotions. Rather, the arrival of the darker shades of experience invites an opportunity for learning more about ourselves and even healing and releasing what no longer serves us.

When the mind urges us to do more, push harder and get it all done, it’s nothing personal. The thoughts telling us what we “should” and “shouldn’t” do are the products of learned beliefs. Somewhere along the way, we unwittingly absorbed that in order to be viewed as good and acceptable, we had to measure up to an unreachably high standard.

Who can relate to rushing around cleaning a house before company arrives, only to have to do it all over again once they leave? What belief is running the show there? That I’m a good person if my house is spotless? And if it isn’t, does that make me bad? It’s worth questioning.

I’m the member of my family that tends to make Christmas happen, and if you’re reading this, maybe you are too. My husband is more than happy to be a co-creator of the magic I’m envisioning, but the truth is, I don’t ask him as often as I could. Instead, I run myself ragged buying it all, wrapping it all and planning outings to all the places to do all the things.

Mind you, I take lots of short cuts. I’m happy to buy baking and super easy dinners in favour of as much quality time as I can experience. The problem is, I’m so tired it’s hard to enjoy the fruits of my labours.

It’s not just the schedule that’s exhausting. It’s the inner voice driving it on. Then, when we’ve reached an inevitable state of overwhelm, the voice moves to thoughts of resentment for self and others. We might begin to feel underappreciated for our effort and irritated at others for not lending more of a hand.

 

It’s time for a rest.

But who has time for that?

I’m referring to creating a comfy place to rest within your own internal landscape. When things get stressed and ugly in there, it’s pretty tempting to numb out with another viewing of “Love Actually” and chocolate, but what if we could create a true experience of restoration, kindness and warmth for ourselves?

When we’re longing to have others see us and express their love and appreciation to us, can we learn to give it to ourselves in an authentic way that truly answers our call for connection?

That’s the heart of the practice I’d like to offer to support you through the remainder of the holiday season.

It takes only a few minutes.

Get comfortable and close your eyes.

Ask yourself: “What words of encouragement, soothing and love do I most need to hear right now?”

No matter the family system we grew up in, we all have memories of not being loved or seen in the unique way that we needed in that moment. We carry these disappointments with us as we age, and it’s natural to look to others to fill the empty spaces of lack that engulf us in moments of vulnerability.

It’s true that our loved ones can help us to repair and heal by reflecting to us our worthiness, but can we fully believe them without feeling it when our gaze moves within?

When you get your answer, it’s time to engage with the kind and compassionate side of you, aspects that we all possess that can be cultivated with intention and attention.

It’s time to let your inner critic know that you appreciate the concern, but you’re both doing great. Often, the motivation of the voice within is survival; more food, connection, money and the encouragement to do or say anything that results in more of all three. That voice isn’t helpful because it often expresses itself as consistently disappointed in your productivity and results. The world offers enough reasons to feel pressure, can we ease it up against ourselves?

Speak the words to yourself that you so badly want to hear. Tell yourself in a meditation, in a visualization where you imagine speaking to a younger version of you, or, talk to yourself in the mirror. It may sound silly, but it’s effective in beginning to change the way we communicate with ourselves.

 

We talk to ourselves more than we speak to anyone else in our lives.

If we can use a voice of tender understanding and authentic warmth, then we have a better chance of meeting our day to day life from a place of known nurturance and self-care, from the inside out.

My answer is that a part of me needs to hear that I’m doing great, that I don’t have to achieve anything more or cross one more item off my to-do list to be worthy of love and affection. That doesn’t mean I drop it all and disregard my purpose. What it does is gives me the energy and sense of worthiness and belonging to move forward accomplishing what I deem important feeling grateful and held. A far better place to meet a throng of strangers in the department store the Saturday before Christmas.